When a woman becomes a mum for the first time, it’s easy to be overwhelmed by the new responsibilities while trying to heal the physical and psychological wounds of birth. For these reasons, it’s fundamental to surround yourself with people who are there to help and support you during this delicate time. But what is like to be a new mum during a global pandemic? Alice Gris reflects on the issue.
A few months ago, I became the mum of a calm, and very curious, little girl. We waited for her for a long time, and the decision to become parents was conscious and thought through. I felt like I did absolutely everything I could to prepare myself for this new life I was embarking on. I read everything I could; I studied my new role as if I was starting a new job – to be prepared and never caught off guard. But it’s impossible to prepare yourself for something you have no control over.
One thing I read that stuck with me more than anything else, is an old Africa proverb that says: “It takes a village to raise a child”. The whole sense of this sentence became so clear to me when I finally had my baby and – from the independent woman I previously was – I had to face the new necessity of counting on other people, for emotional and practical support. As I was changing, my whole approach to life had to change.
Breastfeeding and performance anxiety
While I was expecting, I spent all the free time reading and researching, with particular attention to breastfeeding. To my surprise, I decided to give exclusive breastfeeding a go. This choice meant that I was then the only source of nutrition for this tiny little human, which is incredibly rewarding but also a real psychological burden that shouldn’t be overlooked.
If the first days seemed like a peaceful bliss of eating and mostly sleeping, it didn’t take long before the baby started to connect more with the world around her and, consequently, start sleeping a lot less. Her constant request for breastfeeding worried me and, mostly, made me feel anxious, inadequate and dubious about the quality of the milk my body was providing for her.
I am so glad that at that moment, I decided to reach out to a midwife instead of dwelling on my fears. As a new mum, sometimes the only thing you need is someone that will tell you that you are doing a good job, that your body is doing great and that there is nothing to worry about.
‘Tired’ is an understatement
Having a newborn is exhausting – nobody is expecting you to do everything alone. It’s incredible what our bodies can do and how well we can work on so little sleep, but that doesn’t mean that being constantly exhausted is the way forward.
Of course, you will be tired. Your partner will be tired. And if you have a boisterous baby, your neighbours will be as well! But you don’t have to do everything alone at all times.
Breastfeeding has a significant effect on a woman’s body, take notice of it and try to find a balance with your partner. For example, after I feed the baby for an hour in the middle of the night, it’s my husband that puts her back to sleep while I run back to bed trying to catch as much sleep as I can before the next feed.
I sometimes get my mum to come and look after the sleeping baby while I sleep during the day. Of course, always sleeping while the baby sleeps is the number one rule of this fabulous club we are in, but all sleep is not made equal. Sleeping while you know there is someone you trust attentively looking over your baby means that you can relax and get that precious sleep in.
Continually concentrating on someone else’s needs is draining. You need all the practical help you can get, and you shouldn’t be afraid to ask.
Learning to take it slow
There is nothing like a baby to force you to take a step back and start to take things slower. At first, while I was feeding my baby at night, my head used to spin around thinking about all the things I was supposed to do, and I never had time to do anymore. The thought made me feel quite anxious until I realised that the world doesn’t stop if I don’t do the washing for a week.
Everything is about balance with a little one, so now I concentrate on everything I have to do in the moments when she is visiting the grandparents, without worrying too much when things I don’t get done. Life changes, and so do priorities.
If there is one priceless thing, is having someone that helps you with the cooking. Suppose you are wondering what to get your new mum friends, look no further than your fridge. Make a dish that can last a couple of days – like a pasta bake – and drop it off in front of her door. There is nothing better than finding a delicious meal ready to be eaten after a tiring day looking after a small human.
Talk it out with other mums
One thing 2020 new mums have been stripped off thanks to the pandemic, is the easy access to other mums through pre and postnatal courses. Humans need community, and there isn’t a moment in a woman’s life where she needs a tribe more than after her first baby.
Even though Covid rained on my new mum parade, I still managed to find a few mums around me and the exchanges with them are critical for my growth as a mother and a woman in my new role.
Talking with other mum helps me feel less alone, confronting my worries with theirs and sharing the same little victories is priceless.
While you are preparing for your baby’s birth, don’t only think about what you will have to do. Make a list of people you trust and talk to them about potentially needing their help during the first months – people are a lot more willing to help than we might think.
Most importantly, always remember that you are not expected to do it all, never to fail, or don’t feel pain. A baby is just as happy as the mum is, and you must see yourself as a priority as well.
Pictures: Ksenia Chernay/Kristina Paukshti
